sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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