My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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