I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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