Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
