why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize