I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
