you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
