There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
