Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
