I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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