i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
