Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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