We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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