dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
false alarm, still single
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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