When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
