glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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