my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
