Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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