I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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