I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
