If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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