I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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