So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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