I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
