I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
