I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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