Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
