my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
