Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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