I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
