went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
