I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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