My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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