Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
