A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Come on in and take your pants off
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