Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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