i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
