Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
