She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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