I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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