I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
