Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
