Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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