I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize