So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
