I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
