Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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