Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
