Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
