A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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