I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
