My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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