you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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