The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
