I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
