Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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